Warning: this post is going to be extremely personal. But, I do feel a need to share my feelings on this subject and a few things that I've learned recently. So here goes.
To say I've been struggling these last 6 months might be an understatement. Ever since being called as Primary President, I have consistently battled with feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, and inadequate. Then when my husband lost his job in November, I felt like I was completely in over my head. Despite my beautiful family, all the financial blessings we received during my husband's period of unemployment, and all the other blessings I "thought" I recognized daily, I continued to feel like I wasn't doing enough, like
life wasn't "enough". I didn't realize it at the time, but I was constantly running through future scenarios in my head. This is the problem with being a "planner". You don't tend to "carpe diem", you just plan, plan, plan for the future, never stopping to enjoy the moment. So I would constantly be thinking: "Oh, it's too bad I can't _____________. Someday I'll have enough
money for it", and the even more common: "I wish I could do _____________. Someday I'll have enough
time for it." And to top it off, I resented the things that I felt I really
should be doing, especially related to my church calling. If you've never been an auxiliary president in my church, you have no
idea the amount of emotional stress it can cause a person, especially when you watch the other "supermen" and "superwomen" being auxiliary presidents and being AMAZING at it when you are lucky if you can spend an hour or two a week on your calling. I am seriously SO grateful that I never have to serve in a Priesthood capacity. If the prophet ever declared that all women would now be able to (should) hold the Priesthood, I would probably apostatize. Be a Bishop of a congregation? No THANK you. I'm kidding ... kind-of.
Anyway, I didn't really realize all this was going on, I just knew that I was feeling so sorry for myself all the time, trying to be happy and feeling like I was putting on a show all day long. My strong-willed daughter was driving me nuts and I wasn't being the kind of mom I wanted to be. I wasn't enjoying life like I thought I should have been, except on Sunday, anyway. Sunday was my haven. Sunday was the day that I could forget everything else, serve in my calling, help other people, and focus on my family; things that I didn't think I had time for during the week. I really enjoyed Sunday, but once Monday rolled around, it was all downhill from there. I recognized the peace I felt from Sunday, but I didn't make the connection as to
why I felt so good on Sundays until very recently.
This last weekend we went down to Savannah for my nephew's baptism and when we attended church on Sunday I had the opportunity to go to Relief Society for the first time in about a year and a half. The Relief Society President gave an extremely inspired lesson that I'm sure was meant just for me. It was one of those tender mercies; one of those moments when I KNEW that God knew where I was and what exactly I needed to hear. The source of her lesson was President Monson's General Conference talk in October 2008, "
Finding Joy in the Journey". You may remember this talk. I did, but I didn't remember the specifics about it. The thing that stood out to me the most during this Relief Society lesson, was that my problem was not in my situation, nor in my calling, both of which are essentially out of my control. My problem was in my attitude. I resented the things that I felt I "had" to do, the things that I didn't really want to do. We all have them, I mean, who really enjoys doing laundry? The sister teaching the lesson started off taking suggestions for two lists on the blackboard. "Have to do", and "Want to do". Then as she developed her thoughts throughout the lesson, she erased the words "Have to Do" and "Want to Do" and replaced them with one word: JOY. Instead of having two lists, things we wanted to do and things we really didn't but thought we needed to, there was one list: a "joy" list. The point is not to make a list, but to do things joyfully. Instead of thinking "Oh man, I really NEED to do
this," we can think, "I GET to do
this".
I used to work with a woman who NEVER, I mean NEVER said the words "have to". She always said "gets to". When her son crashed her car, instead of saying that he would "'have to' have it repaired", she would say he "'gets to' have it repaired". I used to think it was strange that she would completely replace those words in her vocabulary, but now I think it makes total sense. It implies a completely different way of thinking about the responsibilities we have and the things that we do.
On the way home from Savannah on Sunday, I read that whole talk "Finding Joy in the Journey". It amazed me, the things that are in there that I didn't pick up on at the time. I think the part that stuck out to me the most was: "
If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly."
Uhm--yeah. When I think about, there's no doubt in my mind that I will miss all those things. What a joy it is to know that I have a sweet child and the opportunity to raise her and teach her. When she's grown and gone, I think I will be bored to tears.
So many thoughts, so many possible applications. It all comes down to this: stop worrying about the future. The future will take care of itself. Enjoy the day. Enjoy the little things. Enjoy your children. Enjoy the laundry, or at least the fact that you don't have to wash everything by hand. Enjoy the pride that you feel when you have a clean house (or a clean room), even if it only lasts for 5 seconds. You have accomplished something! There is joy and pride to be found in work. Enjoy one-on-one conversations with everyone. Every person on this earth has something to contribute. Learn from them; stop hurrying through every personal interaction. Enjoy your calling; recognize that you are not perfect and that you will only do what you can do and not a whit more, and by the way, that's ENOUGH.
I never thought that I had a bad attitude, and I guess truthfully it wasn't as bad as some others'. But, it was bringing me down and making me someone I didn't want to be. I'm so grateful that the Lord was finally able to teach me where true joy is found. Since that lesson, I have felt more at peace that I have felt in months. I'm enjoying my daughter more, and focusing more on her. I'm not feeling discouraged, I'm just enjoying the things that I AM able to accomplish on a daily basis.
It's such a wonderful feeling to truly be finding "Joy in the Journey".
